I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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