Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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