Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
