guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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