Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
