just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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