I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
