I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
