My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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