I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
