I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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