I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
