Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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