As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
