I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
