My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
