it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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