god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she peed on how many people?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
