plz talk dirty to me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
