Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
