Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
