Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
