im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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