you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
