i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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