I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
