I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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