I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
