i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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