Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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