last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I still have a little drunk in my system
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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