I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
