my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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