i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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