There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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