Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
