Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
