i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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