All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
