Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
