It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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