I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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