Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
