I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
