i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
