Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
