Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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