Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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