And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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