I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
